People often ask me during my talks on clutter how to deal with a loved one’s clutter. I’m not surprised because, having worked with many families over the years, I’ve noticed that it’s quite common for one partner in a couple to strive for order while the other doesn’t mind the clutter or even sees it as a problem. I also well know how it feels to look day in, and day out at a loved one’s clutter. In fact, that’s what got me into this line of business.
Here are 4 tips to encourage your loved ones to tackle their clutter.
Dealing with a loved one’s clutter is tricky, to say the least. Yet there are a few things you can do to improve your chances of getting them to act.
#1 | COME CLEAN
If you’re cluttered, don’t expect others to declutter, especially if they’re not inclined to. You need to set the right example.
Tackle your own areas and belongings before looking into others. It can be your wardrobe, your desk, your paper, your books, your sentimental items, etc. When you’re finished, show them the positive effects of living without clutter: more time for family, less stress, lower clothing expenses, and more. It might inspire your loved ones to tackle their own clutter. And if it doesn’t, at least you won’t have your own clutter on your conscience when bringing the topic for discussion.
#2 | CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY
When you speak with a loved one about their clutter, move the conversation away from the physical stuff. Otherwise, they will feel judged and become defensive. Nagging is certainly not going to help in this situation – well, it never does, right?
Instead, help them see the price they are paying for being cluttered and most importantly what they would gain if they were to let go of some of their stuff: maybe less time spent cleaning, better health thanks to a cleaner home, more visits from the grandchildren, etc.
Also, many people are quick to label their loved ones as hoarders. A hoarder is someone who accumulates excessively and is unable to let go, even an old newspaper or an old plastic bag, up to the point it’s difficult or impossible to use most of the living space, to move from one room to another, or to perform daily tasks, such as cooking, bathing or even sleeping in their own bed.
If that description fits your loved one, you’ll need to engage the help of a mental health practitioner (hoarding was recognised as a mental health condition by the WHO a few years ago) and review your expectations as it’s extremely difficult to change someone who suffers from this condition. Studies suggest that hoarding affects between 2 and 5% of the population. So, in all likelihood, your loved one is more of a clutterer than a hoarder.
#3 | BE RESPECTFUL
Although it can be very frustrating to live with a loved one’s clutter, never go behind their back, even with children. Otherwise, it will create resentment, and trust issues and will end up being in the way of your relationship.
Ask for their permission before disposing of shared belongings. Ask for their input when setting systems in place.
If your loved one agrees to declutter their own belongings, support them but don’t make decisions on their behalf, nor judge them if they decide to keep things you believe they should get rid of. I know it’s difficult as a family member to stay detached (and that’s why people use professional organisers like myself in this process) but that’s the only way to keep them going.
#4 | REVIEW YOUR EXPECTATIONS
Accept the fact that they might not be able to let go of much at first. Decluttering is never a one-time affair anyway. The most important is to start and to learn the benefits of living with less. Eventually, they will build their decluttering muscle, be more inclined to revisit their choices and let go of more over time.
As Dana White, the author of the book Decluttering At The Speed Of Life, wrote “Imperfect decluttering is better than no decluttering. The goal is less.‘’ Celebrate their successes, even if they look like tiny steps to you.
While none of my family members is cluttered, I must admit that some areas of our home could be more organised. However, that would require setting up more stringent systems that my family, despite their best intentions, wouldn’t necessarily adhere to which would probably result in clutter. The good-enough approach might be the way to go with your loved one too.
If you need help to learn the decluttering and organising process from a professional, do reach out! I foster a learning environment and use a coaching approach that will allow you to use the skills you have picked up from me with your loved one.
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